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Sun, Apr. 22nd, 2007, 10:25 pm

Thank God for my true friends. That's all.

Sun, Mar. 11th, 2007, 08:59 pm

I honestly think it'd be more emotionally healthy for me to just go back to being a total recluse and flat-out forget about any kind of lasting platonic friendship or the prospect of any romantic relationship at all, at this point. I need sleep, and I need to keep my head straight.

Yes, this is a negative and immature thing to say.

Mon, Feb. 5th, 2007, 08:00 pm

Got a statue of my heart inside my chest
Dropped it just to see if it would break
But I'm picking up the pieces
And I'm saving everyone
I'm saving everyone
"May be down, but never out"
My soul got lost along the way


That song makes so much more sense to me than it probably should.

Anyway, I'm afraid of the future.

I keep assuming that my life is in a standstill. That I can just hang out with the same people in the same places, come home to the same kitchen... I know I'll miss all the sameness that I take for granted.

The only thing I'm ready to leave behind is high school. I don't have any nostalgic attachment to that building or anything that went on inside of it, and I'd rather burn my balls off than spend another year there.

But still, I just hope I won't lose my friends. I hate when they talk about their plans to move on, because I know chances are I won't be part of them. It's selfish. I know.

What am I really doing? What am I going to do with a degree in urban planning? Do I really have faith in reformist ideas about "sustainable" urban development? Do I really have any new ideas to offer? Do I really have any clue what my job would entail? I don't really know anything. All I really know is that I want to do the right thing, I feel God is subtley leading me to this, and that I use the word 'really' a lot.

I hate dealing with reality. I want to get the lease for the Soup and Socks house, but how am I supposed to get around $3,000 in the next few months? I need to buy the van first, which is a good $4,000 if not more. And even if I get the job at CVS I'll only be working 4 days a week, probably 6 hour shifts or so. And the Happy House? I won't even live in Gwinnett. I'll be paying shared rent for an apartment in the city. I wish money wasn't a factor.

I just feel like I'm at an awkward stage in my life, stretching out something that doesn't fit. I feel that a lot of people are tired of me, or see me as someone else. I don't know how to explain it.

Most of all, I feel stagnant. I never practice bass anymore. I rarely if ever write songs. Soup and Socks isn't growing, it's just awaiting all these future plans I'm so blindly set on. I couldn't care less about my schoolwork. I'm too weird and analytical to ever go through with relationships. I'm just here, writing a livejournal entry.

I wish things would be better between my parents and me. Everything about us is just an ingredient for arguments and not getting along, but I'm still struggling so hard to get past that. It doesn't work. They scream, stomp, flip a shit over petty things. I lose my cool and say stuff I regret. Endless cycle.

This entry is too negative. There've been a lot of great things in my life:

My surprise party on Saturday with seriously everyone. Hanging out late. Sleeping in jeeps and vans. Going to abandoned insane asylums. Everyone that's spent time with me. All the new friendships.

But I still get confused, I still get angry, I still get empty. Far too often. I just need more wisdom on how to deal with it.

Right now my right knee, left shoulder, and both shins are very bruised; and my lower back and tailbone feel like they've been smashed, making me wobble no matter how slowly I walk. Terror was brutal. Sorta feel like shit now, though.

There are so many things going on in my head right now, and I've only touched about 5% of it. No more writing.

Tue, Jan. 2nd, 2007, 01:21 am

I wish the attitude I expressed in the last entry was genuine.

The truth is I feel broken and lost and out-of-place. The truth is I am broken and lost and out-of-place, actually.

I'm fighting to get over it, and I almost intrinsically know in the back of my head and my heart that it's ending soon. But it still sucks.

Sun, Dec. 31st, 2006, 05:10 am

Today was ridiculous is every sense of the word. Cameron's van broke down in the middle of 78, and we were waiting there (highway moshing) for about two hours until his dad came with some coolant. When we got there everyone was already served, so we headed back after only half an hour. Broke down again. This time we saw the problem was a leak in the radiator hose. So, naturally, we just duct-taped the hell out of it. That lasted for about half an hour, and then we broke down a third time. Now it was dark, we had no idea who we'd call, and a girl with us had a panic attack. In the midst of all the collapsing and hyperventilating, a cop shows up. He's really rude and has nothing to do, and he decides it's a good idea for a girl in the midst of a panic attack to be greeted with an ambulance. I reason with him politely that that's a bad idea. He sends three of them. Loud, blinking, and obnoxious. Soon there are fifteen people freaking out about some kind of nothing. No one's really sure what's going on or why they're upset. Thankfully Haley, Julie, and Cameron's dad came and saved us within the hour, and the panic attack subsided. No one could do anything but laugh.

It was a weird and frustrating and frightening day, but in a sense I enjoyed it. I was nice to see everyone open up and be real with each other. I know there was something bigger behind it all.

The week before that we were in Florida sitting on an old and scratchy couch with the worst stomach virus of my life listening to my Grandma read Christmas cards and cancer survival testimonies for hours. Or eating spaghetti and canned vegetables and having painfully awkward conversations.

That was tight.

It needed to happen, though. I realize how much they want other people in their lives. I know I would (and do, of course).

I have so much planned for the future of Soup and Socks. Every time I spend time to really reflect on it I get so excited. In middle school I used to fantasize about how great it would be to be off in college and have a dorm with digital cable (I got five channels back then and was all about TV), and how great it would be to decorate the dorms with crappy band posters and futuristic furniture and have my own convenient world of lazy and aesthetic bullshit. Now that dream just disgusts me. I have that same feeling of anticipation for the homeless shelter/kitchen/venue for Soup and Socks. I'm glad that I've changed. I still have so far to go, but at least (I think) I'm in the right direction. I want this to be such a huge part of my life. Lately it's become a thing I just get stressed about Friday afternoons and evenings. That's changing.

I've been making a lot of false promises to myself to stop wasting time. It'll just be a determined livejournal entry and lighthearted self-deprecation with friends and nothing that ever changes.

It needs to. I'm recognizing how absolutely crucial (or totally massive) it is for me to stop. The time I was on the computer is something that borders on addiction. Maybe it is addiction.

That's changing, too.

I also need a new job. One that's biking distance, lets me take off Wednesdays and Saturdays, and doesn't strongly conflict with my morals. So like. I'm screwed. Any suggestions?

I also need to get to work on scholarship essays. I'd honestly rather have multiple cavities filled without anesthesia.

I should get off the computer now so I don't already give up on my goal about wasting time. I want to hang out with everyone before the break ends. Including you.

I overuse parentheses.

Mon, Dec. 18th, 2006, 09:21 pm

So I got tagged by Spanish:

RULES:
Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks.

1. Throughout 8th grade and most of 9th grade I was a suburbanized version of a "rivethead." I wore the same black UFO-brand pants everyday, listened to KMFDM and Razed in Black, and even tried out the black nail thing at a point. It was terrible. Whoever reads this gets permission to rip on me for this.
2. The only time I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is when we make them for Soup and Socks. Almost every day I eat a few spoonfuls of jelly and a few spoonfuls full of peanut butter separately and skip the bread part entirely. It's really gross when I think about it.
3. When I get really into a song, I bike-mosh by doing wheelies and pounding my weight down on the bike to the beat of it. It's probably not a smart thing to do.
4. I smoked in 8th grade for a brief period of time. Even though it's the past, it's something I'm still deeply ashamed of.
5. I pray and take time out just to think about each of my friends--close and not-so-close, old and new--at the very least once a day.
6. I'm way hairier than I'd like to be and have consequently earned the nickname "Chewbacca."
7. It takes me longer than it should to open up with people. A lot of times I'll be shy around big groups of people unless there are few close friends mixed in with everyone.
8. Sometimes I stay up feeling sick about things that are going on in the world.
9. I've been Buddhist, Daoist, Catholic, agnostic, and atheist in the past. Or at least I've called myself those things at one point or another.
10. I promised myself two years ago that I'd NEVER get either a cell phone or an iPod. I got both.

Harrison
Jenny
Jon Edgar
Kathryn
Linkin
... Dude I don't have a lot of LJ friends.

Sun, Dec. 17th, 2006, 05:53 pm

I'm really glad I'm straight edge right now. Parties suck.

Beyond that I'm starting to feel that all my actions aren't amounting to what I'd like to think they are, and I'm not sure what to do about anything. I want Soup and Socks to change lives and not just slightly ameliorate them for a few minutes. I mean, these are really people who are screwed, not just karma points or something. I wish my life was directly responsible for a child not getting his limbs hacked off. I don't know what petition or silicon bracelet will do that. I'm being such a defeatist. Don't listen to me.

I wish I could read my life as a book from a third-person omniscient narrator, so I could make sense of where it's heading. Where will the homeless people that we feed on Saturdays be? Where will all of my friends be? Where will I be? What if I'm just going to be tucked away in a comfortable life with a comfortable family reminiscing about this one day?

It's so difficult to know right and wrong in mundane situations. There are few people who are bribed with huge sums of cash to help be an accomplice in a murder or something. There are just those fuzzy actions that seem so infinitesimal or culturally acceptable to even be considered, but people are doing them all around you. I'm not even calling anyone out or judging anyone. I'm part of it. It never goes away.

There's too much blurriness surrounding me right now, and I feel nauseous.

I wish I had more clarity. I wish I wasn't about to fail my German exams. I wish I could initiate conversations with girls I like. I wish my stomach didn't feel like it was being pulled apart. I wish my family situation wasn't so weird and precarious. I wish I didn't always feel out of place. And I wish I had firm enough grasp on my faith to not write entries like these.

I know God has stuff planned out for me. I just hate my inability to always make sense of this process. I hate everything thrown at me to thwart those plans.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still posi. Not even kidding.

Get me the fuck out

Wed, Dec. 13th, 2006, 03:22 am

I'm thinking a lot about the future of Soup and Socks lately. How we've gotten lots of donations and renting the Soup and Socks house next year looks possible, how Project Housing is collaborating with us next week to find a place to stay for the chronically homeless, how I plan to start dividing the group beyond Woodruff Park in the near future. I'm ecstatic about all that could happen. Stressed, too.

Right now I'm working on brochures for the group so we seem more legit (ha), but I've spent the last hour realizing that I'm no good at making them. I even resorted to trying www.mybrochuremaker.com, which is ostensibly there just to ruin businesses and organizations by sucking so much and being so ugly. Anyone have any program suggestions?

I've also spent hours looking for suitable Christmas presents for my friends, but I realize I'm no good at that either. I've probably wasted at least five hours today.

I have a bunch of scholarship essays to write. I honestly can't bring myself to even start them. All the ones I read seem like people narrating fictional characters. I know I'm being too lazy and too cynical, and that I have all these opportunities right in front of me that I should be proactive about... but really I just don't care. College seems distant and alien to me. College is distant and alien to me.

I really love my friends and can't wait to see them this weekend. I need to break out of the living-for-the-weekend mentality, but it's not so easy. School sucks.

Thu, Dec. 7th, 2006, 05:00 am

It's time for change.

I'm going to stop being so apathetic about school. I don't feel like it's suddenly personally edifying or anything, but the more I complain about it the more miserable it becomes. Plus I have a responsibility to maintain decent grades for at least the end of the semester so I can secure a scholarship. So whatever. I can handle what basically every teen in the U.S. can handle.

I'm going to stop fighting with my parents. It's so petty. I just need to stop every argument I see arising dead in its tracks. There's no point. I can concede to some dumb stuff they decide when they're in bad moods as long as it's not going to ruin my life or anything. Seriously, this can be fixed. They love me, I love them.

I need to start reading again. I've gotten so intellectually lazy. Two years ago I was wading through entire Kant books in a day, and I now I can't bring myself to read a relatively short C.S. Lewis book in a week. What's up with that? I'm really glad I ordered nothing but books for Christmas this year. I need them.

I'm going to stop stressing about the opposite sex. I think God's leading me away from certain girls, and I should just wait this out. The bigger issue is mustering enough self-esteem to even think I have a chance with whoever is left. Okay, I'll be real. This is still going to be hard to stop stressing about.

I'm through with being depressed. Even if there is some biochemical basis for it, I know that I choose to perpetuate it. I haven't been myself around a lot of people lately. I'm honestly and sincerely sorry if I've been weird and extra-reserved and all around you. It's ending now.

My relationship with God has gotten a whole lot better over the week. That supersedes all the other stuff anyway, so I have every reason to be ridiculously happy right now. Or at least ridiculously content. On a loosely related note, I'm listening to Mineral right now I seriously think worship bands should just cover their songs: "I'm standing here listening to the sound of your hand washing back and forth across my filthy heart..." I love that band so much.

Soup and Socks is looking up. We got some more cash and food clothes and support. I'm so glad I went through with it. I honestly would have never expected it would actually come into fruition when I bought all the equipment for it, which was -- now that I think about it, probably exactly a year ago. It was sometime in early December. Now it's real. Tight.

I love my friends so much. I wish I could show them that more and hang out with them more. And I wish I could grow closer to the friends who don't live around here. I love them a whole lot too. I'll work on managing my time better.

I'm in a pretty good mood now. It's really late. Midnight late.

Christmas soon.

Tue, Dec. 5th, 2006, 03:04 am

I live in the most bipolar household imaginable. I seriously can't take it anymore.

I need to learn how to react to it properly, and I know that's my weak point.

But really. So intenseeeeee.

I had a bunch of other stuff on my mind that was probably a lot more important, but I just got distracted from it all.

I practiced with Cameron and Connor yesterday for our yet-to-be-named hardcore band. It felt so good. I really wish I could dedicate more of my time to it, because it seems like that's where I should be. I don't get that same vibe when I'm half-conscious with my forehead against a cold wooden desk trying to tune out people describing, in graphic detail, what sex acts they performed over the weekend. Just saying.

I feel like I'm squandering so many of may (however limited) abilities at school. I know it's almost over, and I promised in previous entries that I'd stop complaining about school -- but I really can't shake that feeling, ever.

Soup and Socks went okay this weekend despite our limited resources and little catastrophes. I've been getting so many messages from people who have volunteered talking to me about how they've gotten so much out of coming. It seriously means the world to me. I love that it's creating community along with achieving its more overt goals. But I really want to get involved in every single homeless person's life there, and I need to put a lot more effort forth in order to do that. I hang out more than I help out, if I'm being real with myself.

I need to hang out during the school week more to keep myself sane. Anyone up for that?

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